Signing Week

Its only Tuesday, but it’s obvious this is going to be a big week.  I have a detailed offer from Honeywell and a no-details offer from Wood.

If it is between the 2, I’m pretty sure Honeywell is going to win out.  It is a better title, better money and about the same drive. I think my potential three years from now is better with Honeywell.  The folks at Wood are super nice, but I think I’d be a better manager than planner at this point in my career.

I need to get over my fear of the commute and fear of the unknown.  I need some of my ego back, but not all of it.

The problem with Honeywell is they really want to know this week.  I don’t know that I will have the details of the Wood offer and I’m sure I won’t have details of any potential Cobalt offer.  I spent so much time in a desperate place.  Now I’m stressing about which offer to take.  Hell, Davita may still want to talk to me.  What do I do about that?  Its hard to say no to anyone who has offered to help me when I have felt so deperate for almost a season.

Lunch with Randy was good.  I respect the man so much.  What a blessing to have him to bounce my little decisions off of. The man has terminal cancer and has taken an interest in the minor details of my life.

For three months I watch my life unravel.  It was such a dark time for me emotionally.  There where few days that I didn’t cry...some days its all I did.  Hopeless self pity would describe most of it.  I’m not embarrassed by it.  I got there honestly.  I earned it by my actions and those of people who had once loved me.  My life did fall apart.  I lost my dream job, the promise of a intact family life, half of my boys time, reputation, some faith and all of my ego….I’m not proud that I feel into self-pity depression, but I’m not embarrassed.    I think on the other side in a few months or years, I will see this as a pivotal time in my life.  I know I’m changed and I’m hoping for the better.

I hope I get the opportunity to pay the cosmic or spiritual debt I owe to those who have kept me alive.  I am by no means alone in the world in struggle.  My story is one of blessing compared to others, but for me it was severe. I have by no means recovered.  I'm not sure i want to.   I owe those who've held my head out of the mud my life.  I owe those who've showed me love my heart.  Even at the bottom of my struggle I am blessed with wonderful kind-hearted, generous souls.

2012 is going to be a better year.