I lived thru week 1

Week one of employment chapter has completed.  It started off kinda tough, but the week ended well.  I got to work from home on Friday.  My boss works from home on Fridays and I believe that will be the case for me.  It saves my $8 in tolls and 5 gallons of gas alone.  On Friday’s when I don’t have meeting…and I’m not on travel, I can work from home.  This means I get to take the boys to school on Fridays and pick them up on the Fridays I have them.  I have them more Fridays more than I don’t.  This is a real positive.

Honeywell still lacks any warmth or personality.  It is a cold office and a cold culture.  I’m sure it will gain some personality as I get to know some of the people, but it is not inviting.  It lacks almost entirely the felling of team that I’m used to.  If I can survive and learn how to be a project manager, it is my goal to bring some personality and warmth to that place.  My organization is supposed to double in the next 10 months…we will see.

I have the boys for the weekend.  I have a job.  It’s not the plan I had in mind a year ago, but it is a start.  I have some things to workout in my head.    Time will help.

I need to be positive, I need to be thankful.  I need to be patient.

Week 1 of my Honeywell career is complete.  2012 is going to be a good year.

H minus 48 hours and counting...

Well in about 48 hours, I hope to have completed my first, first-day on the job in 25 years.

I may have gotten here by a series of unfortunate events and bad decisions, but it is a new start.  Whether I like it or hate it, Monday will signify a new start for me. 

I must admit it’s a bit scary...maybe more than a bit.  I spent a good deal of time this week focusing on irrelevant propositions.  Now it’s time to think about the task at hand.  I need to be an outstanding Honeywell employee.  I have been around long enough to see many, many new employees.  From that experience I will attempt to do the following.

1.       Listen

2.       Ask “How can I help?” or “what can I do?”

3.       Follow my instincts

4.       Be positive

5.       Stay in the moment.  Don’t think about 10 years ago…or 10 years from now.

6.       Be enjoyable and enjoy.

The trials of the last year have been been….well everything.  It’s time to let go.  It’s time to look up and look forward.  I admit, I’m still struggling with a little victim mentality.  I just can’t seem shake it.  I think it’s me mourning the loss of a 25 year career.  NASA was near the center of my life for more than half of my life.  I lost it suddenly and against my will.  I’ve been too focused on finding employment to mourn that loss.  I will get past it and hopefully, Monday will help .

I’m trying to focus on what I would tell my boys about this when they are grown men…perhaps when they have had a setback and are struggling with what to do next.  I want my story to be, “it was a very tough time for me, but I kept my faith.  I got down, but I didn’t stay down.   I gave into God’s plan for me and with the help of a lot of really good people made a negative a positive.  I’m a better man for it.

My Blue period

I start a new job in only a few days.  I should be thrilled.  I'm not. 

I need to accept God's plan for me and move on.  I need to get back to the optimist I once was.  I need to believe that I will someday be a man again...or at least feel like one.

I know I don't want to be the man I was.  I'm thankful for the humility this experience has taught me.  I'm thankful for the fact that I will never again take my blessing for granted.  I'm so thankful for those who helped me during some really dark times.

I have however not even started to mourn the loss of my career.. my dream job.  I will never again talk to a class of kids about their space program.  I will never again give a tour of MCC to a volleyball team or a bunch of Navy guys.  When I see NASA on TV, I only remember my last month there.   I'm not a fan. My divorce cost me more than $350K and most of my friends.  It will take me serious time to recover from either of those.

Losing half your net worth and your job in the same season is a lot to process and honestly I'm not there.  Knowing that the woman I loved more than all otheres could not be more joyful at my pain is hard to swallow.  I will have 10 hours a week in Houston traffic to make sense of it all.

I have two marvelous sons.  I have a job.  I have a place to live and I will not go hungry.  I know God loves me.

I'm writing this partly to record my journey.  I wish my message was more positive.  I know it should be, but it does not feel good at all.  I have forgotten what joy even smells like.  I do have hope.  I lost it in Dec of last year.  Boy that is something you never want to lose.  I know hope and love are the keys.  Where the hell is the lock?

Nothing to do with a job...

Well, it’s a down week. 

I’ve taken a drug test and filled out forms for a background check.  Now I wait.  Waiting is something I should be good at…I’m not.

My life has a great deal of uncertainty in it.  For years I knew where I was going to go 5 mornings a week.  I knew what I was going to do and I knew who I was going home to.  Today, I don’t really know anything.  It should be exciting.  Anything is possible.  New start…I can re-invent version 2.0 of me.  Tomorrow I hope to be in that frame of mind. 

But, on this Thursday while I wait to hear that my offer is real.  I’m feeling a little bit shaky.  I’m a little nervous about the wait.  The drug test and the background check should go fine…but, I have learned in the last 3 months that gravity itself can be altered.  I’m a little bit nervous about starting over in a new industry at age 47.  I’m a little nervous about starting over as a man at age 47. 

I don’t like version 2.0 of being a dad.  Yesterday, I got 8 minutes of phone talk at the end of my boys’ day.  They are fine.  Cole is growing into a man and Cam is going through 10 year old stuff.  Nothing big, but I don’t like 8 minutes on the phone.  I want to eat dinner with them.  I want to sit on their beds and pray with them.  I want to touch them and look them in the eye.   It will never be that way again and I will move on.  I will do the best I can, but I have failed them.  I have failed me.  I will do everything possible to work with the current equations, but this is less.  Everyone says I’m still their dad even on 8 minute days.  That is only true as a matter of definition…as a word.  I real dad is not a word.  He is there.

I think my discontent with version 2.0 of that portion of my life has me concerned about the other 2.0’s I’m starting.  What if my job sucks like my new parenting role?  Hell, I have no real desire to let anyone new into my heart.  Version 1.0 of that turned in the nightmare of all nightmares.  The woman who gave birth to my boys has done everything in her power to make me bleed.  I will never suffer enough for her.  She was raised to make this last forever…to never heal.  She would be forever loyal and will now be forever hateful.

Yes, I’m down.  2012 is going to be a better year.  God loves me and has a plan for me.  I will love again.  But, today I don’t feel any of it.  None of those statements ring true in my heart.

The next few days are full of fun.  My boys, Lisa's birthday party and Superbowl at my house.  I’ll get back on top of the wave, but today feels like a mouth full of sand.

Well, I accepted

I had a great lunch with the oil guy today.  We really hit it off and I’d like to work for him and I think he wants me.  Problem is, he has no job right now.  He may have one in a couple months and it might be 6 months.  When he has one, he’ll give me a call and I’ll interview with his team. 

He was such a good guy that I told him about the Honeywell offer.  He said accept their offer and when he hired me it wouldn’t be a problem….they would understand that they could not compete with an Oil company.  Standard fare in private industry.

Their offer would be considerably better than the Honeywell offer.  It would get me back to pre-child support finances.  I could pay off my divorce debt.  I need to focus on kicking ass at Honeywell.  They are a good company and I may be there for the next 15 years.  Gotta make the most of what I have and the let the future take care of itself.

It has been a long stressful week.  I accepted a job with a great company.  I hope to start getting paid again.  I consider this step 1 of the post NASA recovery program.  I’m looking forward to getting things going.  I’m blessed to have the problems that I have.  It is so good to feel that way again.

2012 is going to be a great year.

Signing Week

Its only Tuesday, but it’s obvious this is going to be a big week.  I have a detailed offer from Honeywell and a no-details offer from Wood.

If it is between the 2, I’m pretty sure Honeywell is going to win out.  It is a better title, better money and about the same drive. I think my potential three years from now is better with Honeywell.  The folks at Wood are super nice, but I think I’d be a better manager than planner at this point in my career.

I need to get over my fear of the commute and fear of the unknown.  I need some of my ego back, but not all of it.

The problem with Honeywell is they really want to know this week.  I don’t know that I will have the details of the Wood offer and I’m sure I won’t have details of any potential Cobalt offer.  I spent so much time in a desperate place.  Now I’m stressing about which offer to take.  Hell, Davita may still want to talk to me.  What do I do about that?  Its hard to say no to anyone who has offered to help me when I have felt so deperate for almost a season.

Lunch with Randy was good.  I respect the man so much.  What a blessing to have him to bounce my little decisions off of. The man has terminal cancer and has taken an interest in the minor details of my life.

For three months I watch my life unravel.  It was such a dark time for me emotionally.  There where few days that I didn’t cry...some days its all I did.  Hopeless self pity would describe most of it.  I’m not embarrassed by it.  I got there honestly.  I earned it by my actions and those of people who had once loved me.  My life did fall apart.  I lost my dream job, the promise of a intact family life, half of my boys time, reputation, some faith and all of my ego….I’m not proud that I feel into self-pity depression, but I’m not embarrassed.    I think on the other side in a few months or years, I will see this as a pivotal time in my life.  I know I’m changed and I’m hoping for the better.

I hope I get the opportunity to pay the cosmic or spiritual debt I owe to those who have kept me alive.  I am by no means alone in the world in struggle.  My story is one of blessing compared to others, but for me it was severe. I have by no means recovered.  I'm not sure i want to.   I owe those who've held my head out of the mud my life.  I owe those who've showed me love my heart.  Even at the bottom of my struggle I am blessed with wonderful kind-hearted, generous souls.

2012 is going to be a better year.

Hallelujah!

My 4 hours of interviews paid off.  Today they called and made me an offer. 

The money is not what my old job was, but it's closer than I thought....and I get a signing bonus.  I feel like a pro athlete.

Its an intimidating job...Program Manager, but its a job.  I can't believe the journey I've been on.  Its not in the bag yet, but even an offer is so much better than Oct-Dec of last year.

I am blessed to have good folks in my life.  I would not have made it this far if it wasn't for the love of some really good people.

Blessed? Cursed? Blessed? Cursed?  I'm not sure its good to label your life...  Today is a gift...such a cliche and so true.

I can't wait to hug my boys....