I lived thru week 1

Week one of employment chapter has completed.  It started off kinda tough, but the week ended well.  I got to work from home on Friday.  My boss works from home on Fridays and I believe that will be the case for me.  It saves my $8 in tolls and 5 gallons of gas alone.  On Friday’s when I don’t have meeting…and I’m not on travel, I can work from home.  This means I get to take the boys to school on Fridays and pick them up on the Fridays I have them.  I have them more Fridays more than I don’t.  This is a real positive.

Honeywell still lacks any warmth or personality.  It is a cold office and a cold culture.  I’m sure it will gain some personality as I get to know some of the people, but it is not inviting.  It lacks almost entirely the felling of team that I’m used to.  If I can survive and learn how to be a project manager, it is my goal to bring some personality and warmth to that place.  My organization is supposed to double in the next 10 months…we will see.

I have the boys for the weekend.  I have a job.  It’s not the plan I had in mind a year ago, but it is a start.  I have some things to workout in my head.    Time will help.

I need to be positive, I need to be thankful.  I need to be patient.

Week 1 of my Honeywell career is complete.  2012 is going to be a good year.

H minus 48 hours and counting...

Well in about 48 hours, I hope to have completed my first, first-day on the job in 25 years.

I may have gotten here by a series of unfortunate events and bad decisions, but it is a new start.  Whether I like it or hate it, Monday will signify a new start for me. 

I must admit it’s a bit scary...maybe more than a bit.  I spent a good deal of time this week focusing on irrelevant propositions.  Now it’s time to think about the task at hand.  I need to be an outstanding Honeywell employee.  I have been around long enough to see many, many new employees.  From that experience I will attempt to do the following.

1.       Listen

2.       Ask “How can I help?” or “what can I do?”

3.       Follow my instincts

4.       Be positive

5.       Stay in the moment.  Don’t think about 10 years ago…or 10 years from now.

6.       Be enjoyable and enjoy.

The trials of the last year have been been….well everything.  It’s time to let go.  It’s time to look up and look forward.  I admit, I’m still struggling with a little victim mentality.  I just can’t seem shake it.  I think it’s me mourning the loss of a 25 year career.  NASA was near the center of my life for more than half of my life.  I lost it suddenly and against my will.  I’ve been too focused on finding employment to mourn that loss.  I will get past it and hopefully, Monday will help .

I’m trying to focus on what I would tell my boys about this when they are grown men…perhaps when they have had a setback and are struggling with what to do next.  I want my story to be, “it was a very tough time for me, but I kept my faith.  I got down, but I didn’t stay down.   I gave into God’s plan for me and with the help of a lot of really good people made a negative a positive.  I’m a better man for it.

My Blue period

I start a new job in only a few days.  I should be thrilled.  I'm not. 

I need to accept God's plan for me and move on.  I need to get back to the optimist I once was.  I need to believe that I will someday be a man again...or at least feel like one.

I know I don't want to be the man I was.  I'm thankful for the humility this experience has taught me.  I'm thankful for the fact that I will never again take my blessing for granted.  I'm so thankful for those who helped me during some really dark times.

I have however not even started to mourn the loss of my career.. my dream job.  I will never again talk to a class of kids about their space program.  I will never again give a tour of MCC to a volleyball team or a bunch of Navy guys.  When I see NASA on TV, I only remember my last month there.   I'm not a fan. My divorce cost me more than $350K and most of my friends.  It will take me serious time to recover from either of those.

Losing half your net worth and your job in the same season is a lot to process and honestly I'm not there.  Knowing that the woman I loved more than all otheres could not be more joyful at my pain is hard to swallow.  I will have 10 hours a week in Houston traffic to make sense of it all.

I have two marvelous sons.  I have a job.  I have a place to live and I will not go hungry.  I know God loves me.

I'm writing this partly to record my journey.  I wish my message was more positive.  I know it should be, but it does not feel good at all.  I have forgotten what joy even smells like.  I do have hope.  I lost it in Dec of last year.  Boy that is something you never want to lose.  I know hope and love are the keys.  Where the hell is the lock?

Nothing to do with a job...

Well, it’s a down week. 

I’ve taken a drug test and filled out forms for a background check.  Now I wait.  Waiting is something I should be good at…I’m not.

My life has a great deal of uncertainty in it.  For years I knew where I was going to go 5 mornings a week.  I knew what I was going to do and I knew who I was going home to.  Today, I don’t really know anything.  It should be exciting.  Anything is possible.  New start…I can re-invent version 2.0 of me.  Tomorrow I hope to be in that frame of mind. 

But, on this Thursday while I wait to hear that my offer is real.  I’m feeling a little bit shaky.  I’m a little nervous about the wait.  The drug test and the background check should go fine…but, I have learned in the last 3 months that gravity itself can be altered.  I’m a little bit nervous about starting over in a new industry at age 47.  I’m a little nervous about starting over as a man at age 47. 

I don’t like version 2.0 of being a dad.  Yesterday, I got 8 minutes of phone talk at the end of my boys’ day.  They are fine.  Cole is growing into a man and Cam is going through 10 year old stuff.  Nothing big, but I don’t like 8 minutes on the phone.  I want to eat dinner with them.  I want to sit on their beds and pray with them.  I want to touch them and look them in the eye.   It will never be that way again and I will move on.  I will do the best I can, but I have failed them.  I have failed me.  I will do everything possible to work with the current equations, but this is less.  Everyone says I’m still their dad even on 8 minute days.  That is only true as a matter of definition…as a word.  I real dad is not a word.  He is there.

I think my discontent with version 2.0 of that portion of my life has me concerned about the other 2.0’s I’m starting.  What if my job sucks like my new parenting role?  Hell, I have no real desire to let anyone new into my heart.  Version 1.0 of that turned in the nightmare of all nightmares.  The woman who gave birth to my boys has done everything in her power to make me bleed.  I will never suffer enough for her.  She was raised to make this last forever…to never heal.  She would be forever loyal and will now be forever hateful.

Yes, I’m down.  2012 is going to be a better year.  God loves me and has a plan for me.  I will love again.  But, today I don’t feel any of it.  None of those statements ring true in my heart.

The next few days are full of fun.  My boys, Lisa's birthday party and Superbowl at my house.  I’ll get back on top of the wave, but today feels like a mouth full of sand.