My Blue period

I start a new job in only a few days.  I should be thrilled.  I'm not. 

I need to accept God's plan for me and move on.  I need to get back to the optimist I once was.  I need to believe that I will someday be a man again...or at least feel like one.

I know I don't want to be the man I was.  I'm thankful for the humility this experience has taught me.  I'm thankful for the fact that I will never again take my blessing for granted.  I'm so thankful for those who helped me during some really dark times.

I have however not even started to mourn the loss of my career.. my dream job.  I will never again talk to a class of kids about their space program.  I will never again give a tour of MCC to a volleyball team or a bunch of Navy guys.  When I see NASA on TV, I only remember my last month there.   I'm not a fan. My divorce cost me more than $350K and most of my friends.  It will take me serious time to recover from either of those.

Losing half your net worth and your job in the same season is a lot to process and honestly I'm not there.  Knowing that the woman I loved more than all otheres could not be more joyful at my pain is hard to swallow.  I will have 10 hours a week in Houston traffic to make sense of it all.

I have two marvelous sons.  I have a job.  I have a place to live and I will not go hungry.  I know God loves me.

I'm writing this partly to record my journey.  I wish my message was more positive.  I know it should be, but it does not feel good at all.  I have forgotten what joy even smells like.  I do have hope.  I lost it in Dec of last year.  Boy that is something you never want to lose.  I know hope and love are the keys.  Where the hell is the lock?