Nothing to do with a job...

Well, it’s a down week. 

I’ve taken a drug test and filled out forms for a background check.  Now I wait.  Waiting is something I should be good at…I’m not.

My life has a great deal of uncertainty in it.  For years I knew where I was going to go 5 mornings a week.  I knew what I was going to do and I knew who I was going home to.  Today, I don’t really know anything.  It should be exciting.  Anything is possible.  New start…I can re-invent version 2.0 of me.  Tomorrow I hope to be in that frame of mind. 

But, on this Thursday while I wait to hear that my offer is real.  I’m feeling a little bit shaky.  I’m a little nervous about the wait.  The drug test and the background check should go fine…but, I have learned in the last 3 months that gravity itself can be altered.  I’m a little bit nervous about starting over in a new industry at age 47.  I’m a little nervous about starting over as a man at age 47. 

I don’t like version 2.0 of being a dad.  Yesterday, I got 8 minutes of phone talk at the end of my boys’ day.  They are fine.  Cole is growing into a man and Cam is going through 10 year old stuff.  Nothing big, but I don’t like 8 minutes on the phone.  I want to eat dinner with them.  I want to sit on their beds and pray with them.  I want to touch them and look them in the eye.   It will never be that way again and I will move on.  I will do the best I can, but I have failed them.  I have failed me.  I will do everything possible to work with the current equations, but this is less.  Everyone says I’m still their dad even on 8 minute days.  That is only true as a matter of definition…as a word.  I real dad is not a word.  He is there.

I think my discontent with version 2.0 of that portion of my life has me concerned about the other 2.0’s I’m starting.  What if my job sucks like my new parenting role?  Hell, I have no real desire to let anyone new into my heart.  Version 1.0 of that turned in the nightmare of all nightmares.  The woman who gave birth to my boys has done everything in her power to make me bleed.  I will never suffer enough for her.  She was raised to make this last forever…to never heal.  She would be forever loyal and will now be forever hateful.

Yes, I’m down.  2012 is going to be a better year.  God loves me and has a plan for me.  I will love again.  But, today I don’t feel any of it.  None of those statements ring true in my heart.

The next few days are full of fun.  My boys, Lisa's birthday party and Superbowl at my house.  I’ll get back on top of the wave, but today feels like a mouth full of sand.